... to actually go to church today. I haven't been to church in three months, mostly because of being on bed rest. A couple of times when I had the chance, I consciously opted out of going to church including Easter Sunday. I just keep remembering that Sunday on April 17th of 2005 when I had just found out that I was pregnant, and I hadn't yet figured out what the doctor meant when he said come in on Monday so we can do another Beta to find out if it is viable. Sure I knew what viable meant, but how could that have anything to do with me being pregnant. Pregnant is pregnant, right? Not so! Anyway, I was so excited and I dressed up better than usual for church that day. Robert and I walked in for 9:30 mass and the usher asked us if we would like to bring the gifts up that day. Wow! What an honor! He must be able to see that today is a very special day for us, so I excitedly told him yes. So, we did and I was very happy. After mass I drove over to another church thirty miles away to hear my cousin give a concert. My cousin is a tenor and I adore hearing him sing and, I got to see my aunt and uncle and tell them that I was finally pregnant. Well, thirty minutes into the program I started getting the most God-awful pain I had ever experienced in my right hip. It just got worse and worse until I had to get up and leave because it was getting hard to hide it. By the time I got home I was in the midst of a full-blown miscarriage. I didn't need a doctor to tell me this even though I had never experienced one before. You just know.
One day last summer I confessed to the priest that I had missed a lot of church and that I had sort of a fear of going to mass because of this bad experience, even though I'm not really a superstitious person. I also told him that that Sunday two years earlier seemed like a real special day because we were asked to bring the gifts up and we had never been asked before. He told me that it may be that that child was the real gift that we were meant to bring to God's altar and it was His way of saying that it was loved and will not be forgotten.
So today, at 12 weeks and 1 day pregnant, after having the strange bleeding this past week, I took a leap of faith and went to church. I actually thought this morning that if I went to church, God would want me to give to Him this child too. Then I realized that if this baby was meant to go to heaven before we meet then it was His will and there is nothing that I can do to stop it.
I don't think I will be able to bring the gifts up again if ever I'm asked, but I'm not superstitious!
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5 comments:
That was quite a leap!
I think I also would have opted not to attend church for a while, too.
That must have been tough to do. I was quite moved by your entry. Last year, on April 17 2006, I found out I was pregnant again. Like the experience you described, it turned to crap not long thereafter. And I struggled mightily with going to church. I would sit there and sob, and worry about being a spectacle. I would be angry with God, and not be able to rationalize how the family in the next pew with (literally) 6 young children could exist when we had none.
I found what your priest said to you to be very beautiful, and pure. When I was m/c this last time my priest said to me that he thought that "sometimes God steps in when they are too tiny or too ill to make it, and he takes them home into His arms." Gosh, I could burst into tears just thinking about that moment. But it did give me the smallest sliver of peace.
It took me a while to be able to go back to church. At first I would sit in the very last pew of the church, and my husband understood that I might need to bolt if I got too emotional (and sometimes I did). Gradually I was able to move up a few pews every week, and back up to our typical location. Some weeks are tougher than others, of course.
Lately, I have been going every week to praise God, and thank him for sending us our miracle, by way of China.
Congratulations on your pregnancy. I'll look forward to reading your journey.
I'm glad you took the leap too. That must of been really hard to do because memories like that stay raw even years later. I'm glad things are progressing well. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers along the way.
How are you doing? Been thinking about you :o)
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