Bed Rest - day 4

How can a person be so busy just lying in bed?  I'll tell you how!  Try reading a small fraction of the blogs on The Stirrup Queen's Completely Anal List of Blogs.  I completely did not get to my other chores like paying bills and balancing the checkbooks.  I did manage to FIND the bills!  My house has been looking like a tornado ran through it since I've been "taking it easy" and on bed rest.  Luckily, my good friend and my mother have been here this week doing the laundry, cooking, cleaning and burying dead rabbits.  Sorry E, I meant to say wrapping them in grocery bags and duct taping it just in case you feared it would come back to life, break out the bags and terrorize (picture Rabbit of Caerbannog) the dogs that put it there in the first place. LOL   When Robert showed me that I almost wet the bed laughing!  Robert broke through the paper sarcophagus and gave it a respectful burial.  Many thanks to my LOVING AND DOTING HUSBAND, ROBERT. 

This week so far has been uneventful as far as the pregnancy goes, which I'm glad of.  My praying turned into meditating; then that turned into self-hypnosis.  I'm visualizing the blood clot shrinking and the placenta healing.  I have five more days before I go back for another u/s.  The doctor said that the blood clot would come out, but I'm not as nervous as I was a few days ago.  I'd feel much better though if I got to see the baby again before that happens.

Tomorrow will be a very exciting day.  My friend E and I were scheduled to take a course in Reiki and since it was just the two of us, my instructor asked me if I wanted to still have the course here and I could still get attuned and get some work done on myself.  Of course I thought this was a wonderful idea and such a thoughtful gift.  She called it "Susan Healing Day".  This will be the first time I ever earned CEU's while lying in bed!  How awesome is that?  I'll give an update on how it goes.

                  

I think I know where my twin went!

Yesterday morning I awoke to a nightmare.  I thought I miscarried, well actually I still think I did.  At first we did not detect the twin that I thought was there when we did our first ultrasound.  I've had miscarriages before, so I knew what to expect.  The doctor told me to come in this morning for another ultrasound and, I thank you God and all the angels around me,  we saw a heartbeat!  ... and a very huge blood clot.  The baby has grown another millimeter and a tenth this week; that was very  exciting to see.  The doctor showed concern about the blood clot and ordered bed rest.  He said the placenta was about 70% attached.   He said that my twin may have actually been there and miscarried, that is usually what would cause the detaching of the placenta.  We discovered a problem with Crinone too.  It appears that the carrier substance doesn't get completely absorbed or come out and he pondered whether this blockage of Crinone residue was actually blocking the absorption of the progesterone.  Things that make you go "Hmmmm?".  Anyway, that's awesome news that our little Angel is still in there growing away.  I told him that everything was okay and that all the commotion would pass and that he was going to be safe in there.  Already I can tell that he will be a good listener.  Now he has a little guardian angel.  The bad news is that the blood clot is going to come out at some time and that scares the hell out of me.  I go back on Tuesday, March 4th for my follow-up ultrasound.

Why I chose the path I have taken

Life before In-Vitro seems so boring to me now.  Even the most exciting parts like the post-coital tests seem dull.  I never thought I would ever do In-Vitro.  First it was something only celebrities and rich people did.  Well, we're not rich and we're certainly not celebrities.  We are desperate!  At least I am.  My husband has so much faith in God that it seems easy for him to just accept that we were not meant to have children.  Faith wasn't enough for me.  For some of us (and WE are the only one's that understand this), the need to have a child overshadows everything else.  Yeah, I've made the lists of what I would do in a childless world.  I would travel the globe, do a lot of scuba diving, maybe rescue animals and give them the best life possible and try to make up for the neglect and mistreatments they had endured.  That would be very meaningful, but it's NOT the same as having a child of your own, carrying it, bonding with it, guiding it to be a productive and sensitive human being and a positive contributor to society.

In October of 2007, after trying to conceive for almost four years, I gave in to having a diagnostic laparoscopic surgery  to see if there was a reason for my infertility.  My RE said that a sexually transmitted disease, Chlamydia, could cause a saran-wrap like film to wrap around all the organs in the pelvic cavity and prevent eggs from leaving the ovaries or being able to pass through the fallopian tubes.  At first I thought that there was no freaking way I could have an STD, then he told me that it only takes one person to carry that virus and unknowingly  transmit it to you.   The decision to have the surgery was all of a sudden easy.  I had been putting it off for six years.  Other doctors had suggested I do it to check for endometriosis and I wouldn't have any of that at the time.  ... cut me open to look around? Hell no!  But now, it was a totally different story.  I was becoming desperate.  The surgery went well.  They found only a very localized area of endometriosis on my uterus and some scar tissue on the pelvic wall that probably got there from an accident that I had as a kid.  The RE told me that he could find absolutely no medical reason for my infertility.  That is probably the most devastating part.  Having a reason for it, seems like, would make me feel better somehow.  

After doing some research on birthrates and IVF I noticed that my age was all of a sudden becoming a major factor in the success of TTC.  It was that moment of panic that drove me to wanting to do IVF.  I all of a sudden had no morals and I didn't care what the church would think about it.  Again, after doing some research, I learned that IVF wasn't all that I thought it was.  I realized that I didn't have to "kill" my embryos if we ended up with more than I could have transferred.  I learned that we could freeze my unused embryos and possibly adopt them out to other people that could not use their own.  I also learned that if I only wanted two embryos transferred, then that would be fine and I wouldn't have to face the possibility of aborting any.  This is what made the difference to me.  I have a strong belief that life begins at conception and my biggest fear was that I would have to make the decision to kill a child of mine to save the life of another or myself.  

At first I didn't want to tell anyone about us doing IVF, but I found it very hard to not say anything.  I felt like I was lying to everyone, so we decided to be open about it to our family and friends and I found that everyone was very supportive of us doing this, even our church friends.  I'll never underestimate the kindness of family and friends.

1st ultrasound

Today was our first ultrasound.  It showed that I am 5.5 weeks pregnant and only one baby was detected.  Much to my surprise, they could see a heartbeat.  HOW EXCITING!!!!  I did not expect that!  The heart was beating at 76 bpm and the baby is 1.9mm.  

We thought for sure we had twins, but I'm not at all disappointed and I thought I would be.  I see us being able to give this baby more attention.   We will also probably be less exhausted.  I haven't seen Robert this excited and happy in a long time.  The doctor told me it would be best not to do Ashiatsu massages yet.  He said it would be best to at least wait until after the next u/s.  I can hardly wait!  Positive thoughts and healing energy!

24 day embryo

This is a picture of a 24 day embryo, taken by Lennart Nilsson.  The red part is the heart.  

2nd Hcg test

My second Hcg test was on Monday, February 11th.  I also had to stop by the office to show the doctor my injection site on my hip.  As it turns out, an infection (cellulitis) started to set in.  I was using progesterone in ethyl oleate, which the doctor said was thinner and spreads out instead of staying localized when using the progesterone in peanut oil.  He told me to stop the injections and start using Crinone.  So, THAT I'm glad of!  He also commented on how high my Hcg number was on my first test.  He mentioned something about one of the embryos possibly splitting.  YIKES!  

On the way home I got the call about my test results.  My number more than doubled!!!  I can't remember the exact number because I was so excited, but it was over 600!!!  Again, the idea of triplets flashed through my head!  TRIPLE YIKES!

I go back on Tuesday February 19th for my first ultrasound to see if the embryos are where they are suppose to be and to see how many are in there.  

11 days post FET

This morning we went to N.O. to do my blood work.  The results:  hcg 281.  I go back on Monday to do another test to see if the numbers are increasing appropriately. 

Yay!  We are so excited!

I finally got the picture scanned of the embryos.  The first one was taken right after they were thawed at 5:00 pm. The second is at 6:45 the next morning.

I've been feeling great, other than being tired.  I certainly feel something going on in there, pings, pangs, cramps and such.  I imagine the embryos look like those old-timey double sided clothes pins right about now.

After I talk to the doctor monday, I may go back to work at Hammond Developmental Center, but I'm definately not going to be doing any Ashiatsu massages for a little while longer.

Thanks everyone for all the positive thoughts and energy y'all have been sending my way.

New Orleans on my mind ...

Growing up in New Orleans was the best. I didn't know that until I left. It's been six years since I lived there. All I lost when hurricane Katrina hit was a '77 Chevy Caprice that I hadn't driven in years and a few things that I left in the closet of my parents' house. I think I had some old prom and Mardi Gras dresses, pictures and text books from college just to name a few. Every time I see or read about what happened to N.O. I feel the pain like it was yesterday. What's weird about this emotion is that I don't feel the pain for myself, despite the fact I spent thirty plus years of my life there, I hurt for the city, the people that are New Orleans.

Everytime I see a documentary on Hurricane Katrina, I watch it and I cry. It's not a bawling cry, it never was, just a lump in my throat and a few tears.  WEIRD! Then I watch it again (because cable channels always show the same show over and over and over again). I don't know why I get sucked into these shows. I just love New Orleans I guess. Maybe I watch this stuff repeatedly in an effort to desensitize myself to the reality of it. My old neighborhood is still a disaster, only a handful or so families have returned and they are the ones carrying the neighborhood. They keep the lawns cut and watch out for people that don't belong there. Yeah, it's the people that define the city and they are the ones I hurt for. One day, who knows when, the city will not look so scarred up, but we will never forget the scars we hide inside.

Friends!

I am so blessed! I have some really great friends. They have offered to run my errands, bring me anything I want and visit me to keep me company.

One friend in particular has been a huge influence in helping me get to this state of calm, spiritually and emotionally, that I so desperately needed. That friend is Eugenia. She says that things don't happen by accident, but that the universe guides people and experiences our way as we need them (or something like that LOL). The universe, God, Jesus Christ are all one in the same in my book.

I received a holistic practices newsletter one day by email and in it was a FREE 30-day Butterfly Experiment. This was right after the hospital stay and I figured, why not try it out? Well, I found that I didn't have time to do this because I was still dealing with other health problems. I saved the daily emails in a special folder in my mailbox with the intention of definitely doing it when I had more energy. One day Eugenia offered to help me sort some things out with my Mac, she being the Mac expert. She saw one of the emails about using the law of attraction to manifest butterflies and asked me about it. I kind of breezed over the whole idea because after all it does sound a little "hokey". THEN she tells me that that is something she had spent years learning about and recently had started putting into practice. She said that if I wanted help with understanding it, she had tons of resources to lend to me. I started looking into it. I watched The Secret and thought to myself, "this sounds hokey, but why would it not work, after all anything is possible, especially through God, right?". I bet Jesus used the law of attraction and manifestation!

So, I made a copy of a baby in-utero and put it on my desktop and I imagine everyday, everytime I see it that that is what my baby is going to look like. Since I plan on having twins, I just multiply this image in my head. ;)

I don't know what kind of shape I would be in without this new tool I've learned. So, this post is for Eugenia. Thanks for being such a great friend, for teaching and not preaching and for helping me to grow.

Visualizing Implantation

It's a beautiful day here in Hammond, Louisiana. The sun is out and the thermometer reads 68 degrees outside. I can't remember the last time we had parade weather like this. It's unfortunate that I need to take it easy and not go to the parades, but I'm more than happy to do it. The embryos should be implanting right about now, or may have already implanted, I think.

They were frozen on day 6, so I guess that means they were transferred on day 7 or 8. That makes today day 11 or 12. I feel normal, not overly tired or anything. Heck, all I've done since Tuesday is lay in bed or on the sofa. I've been very happy and positive and haven't worried, but the teeniest tiny bit. That is a big change from the past experiences I've had when we went through ovulation induction and IUI's. I go Saturday for my beta. I'm visualizing numbers in the high hundreds.

Robert brought a king cake home today ... I wonder if I'm going to get the baby? Better yet, I AM going to get that baby even if I have to eat the whole thing by myself!