Why I chose the path I have taken

Life before In-Vitro seems so boring to me now.  Even the most exciting parts like the post-coital tests seem dull.  I never thought I would ever do In-Vitro.  First it was something only celebrities and rich people did.  Well, we're not rich and we're certainly not celebrities.  We are desperate!  At least I am.  My husband has so much faith in God that it seems easy for him to just accept that we were not meant to have children.  Faith wasn't enough for me.  For some of us (and WE are the only one's that understand this), the need to have a child overshadows everything else.  Yeah, I've made the lists of what I would do in a childless world.  I would travel the globe, do a lot of scuba diving, maybe rescue animals and give them the best life possible and try to make up for the neglect and mistreatments they had endured.  That would be very meaningful, but it's NOT the same as having a child of your own, carrying it, bonding with it, guiding it to be a productive and sensitive human being and a positive contributor to society.

In October of 2007, after trying to conceive for almost four years, I gave in to having a diagnostic laparoscopic surgery  to see if there was a reason for my infertility.  My RE said that a sexually transmitted disease, Chlamydia, could cause a saran-wrap like film to wrap around all the organs in the pelvic cavity and prevent eggs from leaving the ovaries or being able to pass through the fallopian tubes.  At first I thought that there was no freaking way I could have an STD, then he told me that it only takes one person to carry that virus and unknowingly  transmit it to you.   The decision to have the surgery was all of a sudden easy.  I had been putting it off for six years.  Other doctors had suggested I do it to check for endometriosis and I wouldn't have any of that at the time.  ... cut me open to look around? Hell no!  But now, it was a totally different story.  I was becoming desperate.  The surgery went well.  They found only a very localized area of endometriosis on my uterus and some scar tissue on the pelvic wall that probably got there from an accident that I had as a kid.  The RE told me that he could find absolutely no medical reason for my infertility.  That is probably the most devastating part.  Having a reason for it, seems like, would make me feel better somehow.  

After doing some research on birthrates and IVF I noticed that my age was all of a sudden becoming a major factor in the success of TTC.  It was that moment of panic that drove me to wanting to do IVF.  I all of a sudden had no morals and I didn't care what the church would think about it.  Again, after doing some research, I learned that IVF wasn't all that I thought it was.  I realized that I didn't have to "kill" my embryos if we ended up with more than I could have transferred.  I learned that we could freeze my unused embryos and possibly adopt them out to other people that could not use their own.  I also learned that if I only wanted two embryos transferred, then that would be fine and I wouldn't have to face the possibility of aborting any.  This is what made the difference to me.  I have a strong belief that life begins at conception and my biggest fear was that I would have to make the decision to kill a child of mine to save the life of another or myself.  

At first I didn't want to tell anyone about us doing IVF, but I found it very hard to not say anything.  I felt like I was lying to everyone, so we decided to be open about it to our family and friends and I found that everyone was very supportive of us doing this, even our church friends.  I'll never underestimate the kindness of family and friends.

24 day embryo

This is a picture of a 24 day embryo, taken by Lennart Nilsson.  The red part is the heart.  

step by step ...

This is what actually happened.
Day of egg retrieval (ER): After the ER I felt nauseated and sore and my ovaries felt HUGE and my uterus felt like it was poked with a needle 32 times. So, I went home and slept.
Day 1 post ER: I had a little family thing to go to that afternoon, so i rested all day then set out to have a good time. I still felt sore and swollen and a little bloated, but didn't know exactly that's what i was feeling at the time. I had told the nurse that morning all of this plus I had pains in my chest and shoulders as if i had a cyst burst or gas moving around such as when you have laparascopic surgery. The nurse found this odd since they didn't "put anything in me". This may have been a flag, I don't know since i didn't get to talk to the doctor on this day.

Day 2 post ER: see Day 2 post egg retrieval

Day 3 post ER: This morning i had an appt. with my accupuncturist. I had to drive about an hour to get there and during the commute I felt so bad I almost went straight to the emergency room, but decided to give accupuncture a try first since i was probably over reacting. I had pain like gas cramps, but all over my abdomen. My abdomen started to really become distended. I arrived an hour early to my appt. , so i reclined the car seat and tried to relax. This seemed to help alot. So much so that I didn't feel the need to call the clinic and report all the pain I was experiencing that morning. During my acupuncture session several points on my legs and feet relieved the pain in my abdomen and that relief continued for several hours after my session. I never asked why, but the needles in the 4-gateways were extremely painful.

The doctor called me to give me the embryo report and i told him about all the pain i was in. He said he wanted to see me first thing the next morning.

Day 4 post ER: Weight gain total: 7 lbs. Today I felt even worse. I was finally able to apply the word "bloated" to what i was feeling. How stupid of me! I knew about OHSS, but i guess i was just in denial. I had day five transfer in my mind and nothing was going to come between me and having those beautiful embryos transferred. I started to get worried that it was going to be cancelled and that my blastocysts were going to have to be frozen and that they were going to die. All of this was irrational thinking on my part and I felt stupid when i started to think of what questions I would ask the doctor. Anyway, the pain was unbearable. The term "difficulty breathing" was hard to understand. Denial again! I kept on saying that i didn't have difficulty breathing and i didn't get winded, but then again i didn't do anything to exert myself. They should have made me walk briskly up and down the hall for a minute. So, yes, I had difficulty breathing and i denied it. The doctor did an US and some blood work. US revealed about a liter of extra fluid in the abdomen, my ovaries were (if my memory serves me right) 7 x 9 cm, the norm is around 3 to 5 cm. Therefore, i was classified as having moderate OHSS. 10 cm ovaries would have put me at severe status. My RBC count was around 54% which indicated that my blood fluid volume was low. The doctor said that the blood vessels become "leaky" and they allow the fluid portion to leak into the abdominal cavity. Electrolytes, proteins, etc are depleted. The doctor gave me the choice of being admitted right away and spending the night with an IV in my arm or going home and drinking lots of fluids. I opted to go home. This turned out to be a bad bad choice. I made it home and went to bed right away. When I awoke a few hour later I was so confused and disoriented. Robert was home by this time and he asked me if i wanted to go to the hospital. I didn't know, but he gently pushed me into making that decision and so one of us called the doctor and told him that I wanted to be admitted to the hospital. From here on out things were very fuzzy. I couldn't think straight. I'm hypoglycemic and i couldn't seem to get my blood sugar under control. I know i had something to eat, but obviously not enough, or not the right food.

Arriving at the Hospital: This is where the fiasco starts! We pull up to the ER entrance and a kind man with a staff badge walks out to ask if we need help. Robert asks him where we need to park because his wife is needing to be admitted to the hospital, blah, blah, blah! Well, the guy obviously mis-understands and sends us to somewhere else. To make a long story short, about an hour later we end up at the ER again and end up having to wait another 2 hours to be seen. During this time my blood sugar keeps spiking and dropping after every attempt to head it off, first with orange juice which kept causing cramps and burning in my stomach, then with crackers from the vending machine, then after letting a couple of packets of sugar dissolve in my mouth. At one point I asked Robert to ask the triage nurse to test my blood and give me some glucose or something and to tell them that i felt nauseated. When I saw Robert speak to them and point at me and then saw them give him a barf bag and turn him away, I totally lost it. I started crying uncontrollably and could hardly speak. He tried to calm me down and asked me to try to tell him what I was saying. All I could get out was glucose and assholes I think. All hope had gone out the door when he had turned back with nothing but a barf bag. I remember thinking i was going to pass out on that disgusting floor and that was terrifying to me since i'm slightly germaphobic. I also didn't want to throw up in front of all those people, so I went to the bathroom and i think I walked a little bit in the waiting area. That is when I found the sugar packets. This thank God got me throught the last hour while waiting to be seen by a doctor. I cannot believe the triage nurse did not do anything to help me. Not that I thought that I was more important than the other 50 people waiting to get a bed in the ER, but I thought that I could at least get some kind of help to hold me over until I could be seen by a doctor. This is what my letter is going to be about when I get around to writing it.

Well, I finally get called into the ER and i get all hooked up to the IV and meet Dr. Jeff Goldblum! I then throw up the OJ and cheez-it crackers. All the while we hear people outside my room talking about the OHSS patient! "Really!", they say " ovarian hyperstimulation! I've never seen one of those!" People come in and out saying the same thing over again. "We've never had an ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome patient before" Dr. V (Jeff Goldblum) says, " not many crack-heads coming in here with ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome!" Thus, I become the excitement after a long, busy night of belly aches, psych patients, broken arms and MVA's.

Then after a few more hours, they transfer me up to a room. Once again, when I get in the room, I start to hear whispering in the hall (my room was right next to the nurses station) "OH! Really? OHSS? I've never seen one of those!" The nurse exclaims when she comes in to hook me up to a bunch of stuff, " we don't get to see many OB patients here!" wherever here is suppose to be. I never did find out. Anyway, that is how the hospital visit went. I continued to blow up to 178 pounds. Had a few panic attacks because I couldn't breathe. My skin and muscles were stretched so tight that I wanted to die each time I had to sit up, roll over or move. That is when it hit me that we weren't doing the transfer the next day. Finally! I came to my senses. I realized that my life was worth more than my desire to try to get pregnant at this time. It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. When my doctor visited me the next day he explained that the FET (frozen embryo transfer) had a 50 to 75% success rate and that I had six beautiful embryos frozen. He also said that the lower rates reported are usually because the best embryos had already been transferred before the others were frozen, so my chances of conceiving were very high. That gave me lots of hope and I felt much better about waiting. I was also excited about getting the opportunity to recover from all the drugs that I had to take and to try to get into some kind of healthy routine both physically and nutritionally. So there we are. I'm on my way to getting healthy.

out of the hospital, not the woods

Sat, Nov 17th, 2007
my blood count went back to normal and my Hcg levels were almost down to 0 so the doctor said that i had turned the corner and was on my way back to normal. home now, all i want to do is forget what happened in the hospital. they are still getting a nasty letter though! (when i feel good enough to write it) it's taking all that i have to write this, but i know that it is good for me. i need to stay sitting up or walking around to keep the fluid moving. i lost almost 3 pounds since yesterday (171.8). that's good news although, last night i did lie down and had a panic attack b/c i couldn't breathe. then i noticed that unmentionable parts of me swelled up ... my reaction? WHAT THE @&$%? anyway, i went back to sleep sitting up for now on. i don't want another panic attack. Robert has gone to the store to get a few things that might help me with the fluid. i'm craving salty things and salt is the last thing i should be eating, so he is going to get me some fruit and veggies that are natural diuretics, and a thermometer. i think i was running a fever last night, which the doctor should know about, but the digital thermometer was dead. all i can say is that this body is not the one i was born with. i feel like a freak show. a few people have told me that now i know what it feels like to be pregnant, but i have to disagree. at least until they feel what THIS feels like. for starters you don't gain 25+ pounds in a matter of days, secondly, not every pregnant person has a life threatening fluid problem. i've known enough preggers to clearly see that what they are carrying is a baby not an extra store of water, enough to survive for 40 days, in case they get stranded in the sahara desert. thirdly, if this was the same as being pregnant, human life would have died out centuries ago. i know that i will NOT go through this again even if it means we do not get to have biological children! Robert concurs with me ... he has been scared for me quite a few times in the past week and we're not through yet.

wanna hear something funny? my doctor in the ER looked just like jeff goldblum! i couldn't stop looking intently at his face. and i could see it in his face that he noticed. he must have been thinking i was some kind of weirdo, making google eyes at him with my husband right there in the room. anyway, i still can't believe how much he resembled jeff goldblum. he even made little quirky, funny comments like jeff did in movies like The Fly and Jurrasic Park. Whoa! well, enough for now. i'll post again when something changes.

Hospital

Tuesday, Nov. 13th I woke up from a nap in excruciating pain. I decided to go to the hospital before the accumulated fluid got any worse since I had gained another 4 pounds since arriving home from my morning appt. with the doctor. Admit was closed already so i had to go through the ER. Not fun! My blood sugar dropped three times and the idiots wouldn't check my blood and give me some glucose at the very least. They are definately getting a letter from me! I mean it this time! Anyway, i was admitted. the doctor described what was happenning as my blood vessels were leaking the fluid part of my blood into the peritoneal cavity, more than a gallon's worth. It's thursday now and i've finally made a turn for the better. i've started to lose some of the 25 pounds of fluid i've gained over the past few days. the pain and nausea has been excruciating, but at the moment i'm heavily medicated, so i feel well enough to document this little bit. i am extremely tired so this will be very short.

Out of the 15 embryos we had, 6 of them made it to the blastocyst stage and they have been frozen to await until my body heals enough to do the transfer. That will probably be in January. Later, I will write a more detailed blog on exactly what has happenned here since i was admitted because i'm sure one day i will want to remember and possibly fully understand it.

Thank you to all my family and friends for the support and you too are in my prayers.

good news ... bad news

Good news ... all 15 embryos are doing well. they go like this: one 8 cell grade 1, one 6 cell grade 1, five 8 cell, grade 2, two 11 cell grade 2, four 6 cell grade 2 and two 5 cell grade 2.

Bad news ... i have a bad case of OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome) I'm praying that they can control it. I just tried to sneeze and couldn't because there was no room for me to inhale. OUCH! Anyway, i have to see Dr. C first thing in the morning about it so he can assess how bad the situation is.

Thanks to all my friends and family and my RENEW group for all the prayers.

day 2 post retrieval

This is my first blog ever. I thought it would be a great way to document my thoughts and feelings during this very confusing time.

i feel like i'm going to explode ... i am so bloated! i've been searching the web to see if others have had similar symptoms and i've been a little worried, to say the least. Anyway, i haven't found much info on the subject of bloating, but i'm going to my acupuncture appt. tomorrow so maybe that will help.

I'm 36 yrs old and DH and I have been trying to start a family for almost 4 years now. we did the natural family planning thing, the clomid thing then the IUI thing a couple of times. the doctor recommended IVF after a laparoscopic surgery, so here we are. U/S showed 32 follicles, 16 on each side. Doc retrieved 25 eggs, 19 were mature and they ICSI'd all of them. 15 fertilized and I still had 15 embryos by this morning. So, things are looking up. We are doing a day 5 transfer. I'll update tomorrow when i find out how my embies are doing.