Why I chose the path I have taken

Life before In-Vitro seems so boring to me now.  Even the most exciting parts like the post-coital tests seem dull.  I never thought I would ever do In-Vitro.  First it was something only celebrities and rich people did.  Well, we're not rich and we're certainly not celebrities.  We are desperate!  At least I am.  My husband has so much faith in God that it seems easy for him to just accept that we were not meant to have children.  Faith wasn't enough for me.  For some of us (and WE are the only one's that understand this), the need to have a child overshadows everything else.  Yeah, I've made the lists of what I would do in a childless world.  I would travel the globe, do a lot of scuba diving, maybe rescue animals and give them the best life possible and try to make up for the neglect and mistreatments they had endured.  That would be very meaningful, but it's NOT the same as having a child of your own, carrying it, bonding with it, guiding it to be a productive and sensitive human being and a positive contributor to society.

In October of 2007, after trying to conceive for almost four years, I gave in to having a diagnostic laparoscopic surgery  to see if there was a reason for my infertility.  My RE said that a sexually transmitted disease, Chlamydia, could cause a saran-wrap like film to wrap around all the organs in the pelvic cavity and prevent eggs from leaving the ovaries or being able to pass through the fallopian tubes.  At first I thought that there was no freaking way I could have an STD, then he told me that it only takes one person to carry that virus and unknowingly  transmit it to you.   The decision to have the surgery was all of a sudden easy.  I had been putting it off for six years.  Other doctors had suggested I do it to check for endometriosis and I wouldn't have any of that at the time.  ... cut me open to look around? Hell no!  But now, it was a totally different story.  I was becoming desperate.  The surgery went well.  They found only a very localized area of endometriosis on my uterus and some scar tissue on the pelvic wall that probably got there from an accident that I had as a kid.  The RE told me that he could find absolutely no medical reason for my infertility.  That is probably the most devastating part.  Having a reason for it, seems like, would make me feel better somehow.  

After doing some research on birthrates and IVF I noticed that my age was all of a sudden becoming a major factor in the success of TTC.  It was that moment of panic that drove me to wanting to do IVF.  I all of a sudden had no morals and I didn't care what the church would think about it.  Again, after doing some research, I learned that IVF wasn't all that I thought it was.  I realized that I didn't have to "kill" my embryos if we ended up with more than I could have transferred.  I learned that we could freeze my unused embryos and possibly adopt them out to other people that could not use their own.  I also learned that if I only wanted two embryos transferred, then that would be fine and I wouldn't have to face the possibility of aborting any.  This is what made the difference to me.  I have a strong belief that life begins at conception and my biggest fear was that I would have to make the decision to kill a child of mine to save the life of another or myself.  

At first I didn't want to tell anyone about us doing IVF, but I found it very hard to not say anything.  I felt like I was lying to everyone, so we decided to be open about it to our family and friends and I found that everyone was very supportive of us doing this, even our church friends.  I'll never underestimate the kindness of family and friends.